A Pocket Archive (3)

June 2, 2023

It's rainy today.

I love weather like this, especially when I'm driving. The glow of reflected light from traffic poles and the vehicles around me as it dances against the wet asphalt is almost mesmerizing, and even more beautiful at night. I'll probably end up in an accident for my midnight drives, but I can't help it. On days like today, when visiblity is lessened and everything feels melted and blurRed together, the world feels like an abstract painting than reality. While it's a little gloomy, the cold grey sky also serves to Amplify all the bright colors and reflections, making them even more beautiful.

Maybe my life is a little like that. There is a lot of darkness in the world, and sometimes I feel the Panic wrap around me like a straight jacket. It often makes me freeze, and when that happens, it's like being in the fog, or driving through a storm where you can't see as far ahead as you would like. You feel handicapped and panicked. It's like being unable to run in a dream. You can't move forward or navigate your way to safety. And yet, when I think of all the good things in my life, and the kind people I've met, I forget the shadows and find myself marveling at all the colors instead.

Sometimes I feel like my life all laid out before me and I'm looking at it from behind a pane of glass. A lot of it hurts, because I can see all the pattern now that I look back. I have survived a fate worse than death, and it has left me scarred. Some are things I can hide under my shirt, others under a smile, but I still feel the aches, and have bad days. There have been some when I truly believed it would be better to take my leave of this world, and yet, there are many more things in thIs world than pain and misfortune, and I am completely, utterly in love with life. My family has expanded and I have met an angel. Maybe more than one.

Monsters are real, and they are much scarier than the ones we read about in books. I feel more aware of the darkness in this world, and I know how well evil hides, but I also know there is goodness and light that can never be tainted, and God promises to bring justice. I have looked a demon in the eyes and know the horror of suddenly seeing monsters for what they truly are. I wouldn't wish that experience on anybody. I do take some comfort however in knowing that in the next life, however, that person will have a very similar experience. In their case, however, it will forever, and at that moment they will be fully aware that they chose their destination and it's their own fault.

I still get angry with God, and wonder why He allowed it to happen, yet I also feel His hand in everything. Prayers are not forgotten or unheard, and He sends me little things in my day to day life that I think must be reassurance. I don't believe in looking for "signs", but I often smile when I remember Einstein's quote about Coincidence being God's way of remaining anonymous. Seeing Mr. Hamil unexpectedly on a bad day or Nancy's unexpected timing make me believe such things do happen. Trusting God is scary, and I feel like He's showing me my path. It's comforting, but not comfortable; it feels like a storm is raging, and I'm on a ship that's set a course off the edge of the world. At the same time I know He's at the helm, still listening, and still guiding me to a safe harbor. He is a captain who keeps His promises; He won't forget or abandon ship, and He will never let me drown. And one day, when it is time, I will go home, to Him, and my Jesus will give me a new body that was never violated or scarred, and a heart that will never ache or know sorrow. All debts will be paid, and evil thrown into the debts of the deepest, darkest sea. Until that day comes, I will continue thank Him for giving me strength when I have none, and for the good things that remind me I'm not alone. It's hard to trust Him, but I know that no matter what happens, He will not forget or forsake me.

Give your burdens to Him daily. It's hard and it's scary. But no matter what happens, He hears you, and He will right the wrongs and give you everything you need. There is a lot of darkness in this world, but darkness cannot swallow light. You are not alone; you will make it through this storm.