An Unforgettable Christmas (S.A. Warning)

Sexual assault leaves bruises on your soul. It's worse than being cheated on, lied to, or even just being hurt physically, all of which are bad enough and horrible to cope with, especially when you truly love and trusted the person who did all of those things. It's painful, but it's also incredibly confusing, especially after they just said they love you and can't do life without you.

At first, you don't know what happened, just that you didn't want it and it was wrong. Your brain won't let you process it, even if you think you know. You'll find something else to fight about because you don't know why you are so angry and jumpy. After all, that's the person you love. He wouldn't do that to you. It must be your fault, you have to try and fix it. Then you cry a lot randomly and have problems sleeping. Your friends and anyone you talk to about it immediately go sheet white and tell you what happened. You know it too but you don't want to even think of that word. You don't want to be a victim. You don't want to think of your love as your attacker or someone capable of doing that. But they did, and never looked back.

It's mind-boggling in the worst way possible. And the worst part is you probably still love the person and don't want to believe they're capable of that.

I'm finding out there are a lot of reasons no one reports when this happens. First, victims are treated horribly and most reports never even make it to court. Literally nothing happens. And of the ones that do, very few end in victories for the victims, who get dragged through the mud by the defense. It s trauma on top of trauma.

Second, you may also really love the family of the one who did this to you and know it would crush them. But there is something else too.

When you love someone, even if what they did was horrible, you might not want to ruin their life, even if they ruined yours. You don't want them to get hurt back or face jail time. You want them to get help, and to save them from the road they are turning down. You still love the person who is in there, buried under whatever happened to make them do this. Maybe it's a naïve hope, but I don't think it's an impossibility. But the problem is for someone to get help and change, they have to know what they did and be willing to seek help. You can and should pray for them, but you can't make them do it.

C.S. Lewis once wrote that "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained". Once you have accepted the reality of what happened, it might seem irrational to still want that person to get help, but love often persists even in the face of abuse and betrayal. You should never feel bad for loving someone and hoping they get the care they need. The problem is there are very few resources available to help the either the victims or the perpetrators of sexual assault and the ones that we do have don't help very much. We have to do better.

I am a firm believer in prayer, but if anyone has gone through this and knows something that has been helpful to them, please reach out and let me know. Hopefully we can start changing things.